Today, while trying to tie up some work from home and watching my nephew who has just turned 5, I came to the shocking realizations that I get nothing accomplished while watching him and comic book movies have ruined kids! I have to lay the blame right at the clay feet of a former idol, Stan Lee. To be fair, the blame really belongs to everyone involved in Hollywood who couldn't dream up an original idea with enough LSD to feed my hippie cousin who still thinks it's 1973. But this is my blog and this is America and I don't have to be fair. Damn you Stan Lee! Damn you and your X-Men!I've set up a second desk in my home office to occupy all the frequent and various-sized people intent on disturbing my peace. It was at this desk that the said nephew was drawing pictures and practicing his words. My nephew loves to draw. He loves comics. He loves me. I'm holding out great hope that he'll become a famous comic book artist and take his forever-29-year-old aunt to all the cons with him (you never grow out of the geek). So when he drew me a picture of how superheroes were 'made' (they're shot down a slide, get put through a spinner and shot with electricity, dropped down another slide into the fire, and come out of the chimney with the smoke), I was amazed. He then went back to draw in his favorite superheroes. There's the Hulk
(his favorite), Iron Man, Captain America, and Superman-- great comic character with fantastic histories. And then he says, "This is Marvel."
I said, "But not Superman, he's DC."
And a look of total blankness fell upon him. "Well," he argued, "in this world they're all Marvel," he replied.
He went back to the desk and with the red marker wrote M-A-R-V-E-L, as if this would make it an indisputable fact. He brought his paper back and said, "See, all superheroes are Marvel."
"But Superman is DC. Batman is DC," I tried to explain while wildly thinking that perhaps I should break bad on his parents for this obvious lapse in education. That's not completely fair. I buy him Scooby-Doo comics, published by DC! How does he miss this?
Because his favorite characters all have huge toy tie-ins. Hulk, Iron Man, Wolverine, and because of the tie-in between Hulk and Iron Man, he's all hot for Captain America (everybody he draws lately gets a shield). He doesn't have to love comics because advertising makes him a fan. He doesn't have to see the movie to know 'Hulk Smash;' he doesn't have to read the comics to want adamantium claws.
If it weren't for the fact that every little kid wants to be 'able to leap tall buildings in a single bound' (he quoted this to me, when I couldn't guess who the last superhero was), DC would be lost to the kindergarten set.
So why am I blaming Stan Lee and not advertising execs? Because, those damn Uncanny X-Men are like a gateway drug. Please excuse me, while I try to convince my nephew that no mater what Batman always wins.
